Shooting-A-Bird

The Faerie Who was Kissed by the Pixies.

2009-08-28T12:21:00.006-04:00

20 Years ago my friend and I got silly little tattoos on our ankles after an afternoon of drinking on the beach. I was so proud of my little red rose and thought I was pretty cool.

20 Years later, that bright little rose on my ankle is now a fading black/grey smudge.

My dear friend Lisa left me, her friends, and her family last month. (I'm not ready to write that story yet)

While cleaning out her apartment, I found a book of Faeries. Lisa loved faeries and that was evidenced by the plethora of them in and around her home.

Several pages of the book were earmarked with notations. She had wanted to get one of those faeries tattooed on her.

Since she was never able to do so before leaving this world, I made the ultimate decision to get one for her.

That little red rose that took all of fifteen minutes to get has got nothing on this bitch.

After 2 hours and 40 minutes I am now branded for life.

Or you could say I am branded for Lisa.

Behold the Faerie Who Was Kissed by the Pixies....

For Sam

2009-08-25T19:45:00.012-04:00

Since this bitch keeps bugging me, I have to write something. So here it goes. It's gonna be lame, because I am drinking while watching Intervention (is that wrong?)
Things are whack. Based on my last post, which was monumental in itself, not unlike this one, (faceslap), it is obvious that I have a lot of things to say - problem is, I guess I am just not ready to say them. I can't really sit down to write anything....I have a lot of things in my head, but I cannot get them through the keyboard. So on that note:

* My Jeep still isn't fixed from the accident. It's drivable, but not fixed.
* My home is still in limbo.
* My dog is doing much better, and the stitches have healed, thank you.
* And my friend is still dead. (and I am still bitter)

Yay! Fun post right Sam? If you give me bacon-eating chickens, (inside joke, YO) I'll give you something with more bite!

On another note: I recently had a landmark birthday and all I got was some wrinkle cream, so THAT was awesome. Also, I rocked out with my cock out at the Judas Priest concert last Wednesday and can I just say that Rob Halford pretty much rules. Here's a gratuitous tailgate photo:

I'm the one who is lacking in the breasticle department....

Oooh and I also got a pretty freaking awesome tattoo (for my friend)... Perhaps that will be my next story. I could probably write about that!

So, thanks Sam for the kick in the ass. I feel better now, and my poor punctuation and overuse of ellipses is making me want to strive for more....

Namaste!

Hi!?! Anyone still there? (tap tap tap)

2009-07-30T19:22:00.009-04:00

Sorry that I've been gone awhile. Here are a few reasons why....

Oh and then there is this whole thing hanging over our heads....

Then our sweet little Misty Girl had to have emergency surgery....

Oh and then my very best friend in the whole wide universe went and killed herself with absolutely no warning....

Needless to say, I've been a little pre-occupied. Will any of you still be here? Obviously, I have a lot of stories to tell......

Kaila

Mystery solved! It's EYEBALLS!!!!!

2009-03-24T21:28:00.009-04:00

So some of you might remember this post which may or may not have been too much information, but people this is some funny shit.

The Zanester was getting out of the shower the other night, and out of nowhere offered up some very important information.

"Do you know why it takes me so long to poop sometimes?"

"No, honey, I don't"

"They Bodder me."

"What bodders you honey?"

"Eyeballs"

he points to the floor where this sits

(sidebar - there is no cute little fluffy puppy in our bathroom)

"No problem, honey" I said, and threw the toilet paper under the sink.

"Now you should be fine."

"Nope." and he points to the area between the toilet and the sink cabinet....

(Eyeballs, people, eyeballs)

So I throw that under the sink as well.

"Well that should be it, right?"

"Nope." (and he points to the sink)

Yeah, that's right, he has a Spongebob Toothbrush....with eyeballs.

So we turn that around, and move the damn Dr. Seuss toothpaste to the side as well...because, well eyeballs

The pooping process has been much faster since then. Weird right? I know. But the EYEBALLS!!!! They BODDER him!!!

Did any of you feel like you were being watched when you were seven years old? Is this normal?

.

Excellent Injury Thursday #3

2009-03-19T19:36:00.013-04:00

It's been a long time since I started this series. This particular "excellent injury" really doesn't compare to this one or this one. At least the end result picture doesn't do it justice like the previous ones.

So anyway, we had our redneck caps on and were sporting our rebel flags. (not really) We were at the mud pit gettin' our jeeps dirtay.

That is totally me. Proof? You need proof? Well here I am conducting a little business after my last run.

I wasn't conducting business at all. I was trying to locate our buddy with the rope because the Oilybeauhunk was stuck. No way I was pulling him out! He's got a jeep too, and I had already been stuck...twice.

I located the puller-outer and we continued to get dirtay.

However, when the ~~beer was gone~~ day was done, we headed home for the arduous task of cleaning the dirtay vehicles.

We parked in the driveway and assessed our situation.

Mud.Lots.Of.Mud.

The Oilybeauhunk did the proper thing and gathered hoses, and scrub brushes and cleaning supplies. I did what every respectable redneck wannabe does and went in the house to don my bikini top and daisy dukes. (Isn't that how you are supposed to dress to wash a car?) I thought so.

So, we are hosing, and scrubbing and washing and hosing....(not that kind of hosing - not in the driveway anyway - unless it's dark out and the neighbors are asleep - note to self, check u-tube).

I saw a clump of mud on my windshield. At the top, in the middle, I couldn't quite reach it. What does a ~~drunk~~ redneck girl in a bikini top and daisy dukes do in that situation?

She climbs up on the wet and soapy hood of her jeep to get said clump of mud. Duh!

While I was up there on that wet and soapy hood of the jeep, some dudes drove by and waved. So I did what every redneck girl would do. I ~~flashed my boobs~~ waved back!...while kneeling on the hood, of the jeep, wet with soap.

So, yeah, I slipped RIGHT OFF, landed on the driveway directly on my kneecap and then fell over into the muddy yard. "I need the hose" I yelled. The Oilybeauhunk hadn't seen a thing (whew). He had the Zanester bring me the hose.

"Mom's in the dirt, Oilybeauhunk"

"What?"

"What happened, Kaila?"

"Nothing, I just need the hose."

"Why are you in the mud? What the fuck happened to your knee?"

"What?"

"Nevermind. You slid off the damn jeep didn't you."

"?"

"Go sit down, I think you are in shock."

"OK"

Turns out, I was in shock. My knee hurt like hell, and I had to ice it down for eight hours. I limped for 4 days.

Here's a pretty lame picture from a couple days later...

Sorry I didn't get a better one, but the story should stand for itself. Do any of you have excellent injury stories? If so, you must share. I have plenty more.

.

Meandering Monday

2009-03-16T18:51:00.005-04:00

To the other Mommy readers - Do you ever have one of those days, moments, hours, whatever, where your kid drives you absolutely b*o*n*k*e*r*s? I know the answer is yes, I just want to share my most recent one.

We were on our way to IHOP for breakfast. A once a in blue moon event. From the backseat there is a little voice.

"Mom? Why do love bugs stick their butts together?"

"And Mom? When do the love bugs show up?"

"And Mom? Can beetles poop?"

"And Mom? My friend says beetles eat their own poop."

"Mom? When do caterpillars come out?"

"I like caterpillars."

"And Mom?" Why do snails pee?"

"Mom? What is that yellow thingy?"

I kid you not people, all of these questions in a period of 10 minutes. CRAZY 7 year old boy minds.....

*************************************************************************************

At IHOP, a family was seated in the booth behind us. I overheard part of their order, and it went a little something like this:

man - "I'll have the (insert whatever omelet comes with salsa inside and on top) but I don't want any tomatoes."

waitress - "So, no salsa then?"

man - "No, I want the salsa, just no tomatoes."

me (and most likely the waitress) - "?"

Whatever peeps - Happy Monday!

Beetlejuice in my pocket....

2009-03-11T20:16:00.006-04:00

I know it has been awhile, and I know it has only been about the Zanester lately, but this cannot go unpublished.

I picked him up from school today. We had the usual conversation about how his day was, and did he have any homework, yada yada yada.

All of a sudden....

"Ooooh, Mom!"

"Yes?"

"I have something for you in my pocket..."

Now I ask you my dear few readers, what do you think it was?

Was it a love note?

Was it a pretty drawing?

Was it a kiss or a hug?

NO.

This boy, this little love of mine had a pocket full of goodness.

A pocket full of joy.

A pocket full what every mom wants her beloved son to bring home to her....

That's right, beetles - seven of them to be exact.

What has your little sunshine brought home for you?

.

His first attempt at a lie....sort of

2009-03-03T09:03:00.004-05:00

It's been cold here lately. I sent Zane to school with a sweatshirt. When we got home last night, he went straight to his PSP and I went straight to his back pack to check homework, etc.

me - "Zane, where is the sweatshirt you wore to school?"

Zane from the other room... "You can see it on the 'puter."

me - "What?"

Zane - "On the 'puter, at school, you can see pictures."

me - "What are you talking about? Where is your sweatshirt?"

Zane - "Problee on the 'puter, they have cameras at school and you can see pictures of stuff."

me - "So, you lost your sweatshirt?

Zane - "Yeah"

me - "Short answers work best, honey."

Zane - "Huh?"

me - "Never mind."

.

Six signs I am failing as a mother...

2009-02-24T09:33:00.003-05:00

It is becoming clear that I am lacking in my motherly skills to my just recently turned 7 year old boy. I am coming to this conclusion as evidenced by the following:

1. The Zanester has a new morning routine. It involves burping the alphabet, and then taking a bow, followed by a fart.

2. He has been on a steady diet for two weeks, eating only one of the following two items; Chef-Boy-R-Dee spaghettios with meatballs, or ravioli with meatballs. That is it.

3. He has begun to proclaim how much things "suck". Such as, "I don't want to play my game anymore, I'm sucking." Or while watching American Idol during tryouts, with the awful people, he would calmly announce that "She/he sucks."

4. When the dogs do something stupid, he proclaims that they are "an ass".

(side note, at least he isn't combining them and saying "SuckAss")

5. He doesn't/can't grasp the concept of washing his hands before he eats because, dude, your nails are black.

6. And finally, this morning, I watched in horror as he pulled a dirty ball of wax out of his ear, closely inspected it, and.Then.Put.It.Back.In.His.Ear....

Where did I go wrong?

.

Eff you, Stormy

2009-02-12T21:54:00.021-05:00

Is anyone familiar with this website< Because this is how I feel about Stormy, also known as laid back dog.

This dog is FAT. She can squeeze her fat ass *out* of the "doggy door", but it looks like a sausage going through the ringer. She cannot, however, get back in. Weird, I know.

There are times though, where she is lazy, and if you are anywhere near said doggy door, she will just stand there staring at it and wagging her tail, while looking back at you with a look on her face that says "um, open this door because there is some person or dog, or squirrel, or UFO, or Jehovah Witness, or GodIDontKnow, but there is something or someone that isn't really there that I must immediately wake up from a dead sleep and squeeze through that infernal cat/dog door to go bark at."

Getting back in is a whole different story because going out, she steps down about 4 inches, therefore trying to get back in, well, umm, she gets stuck. So she resorts to sticking her head in and out of the door. Good Lord, the head poking through the magnetic little door drives me effing batty. Head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip clap, head in, magnetic strip click, head out, magnetic strip click clap, head in.......... you get the point.........

I often want to poke needles into my eyes because of the torture she puts me through with the Clicking.Oh.The.Clicking.

For the record, she hardly ever (read: never) (except for the other night) goes out in the middle of the night. Recently, one night, she had to make an emergency "evacuation" in the middle of the night. I heard her squeeze her fat ass through the kitty/doggy door and then fell back into a nice comfortable slumber. Until I was awoken to the sounds of a fucking bull in a china shop. ~~Fatass~~, Stormy, tried to get back in through the door herself. By ramming it over and over. It doesn't work this way people. It sounded like a plane was crash landing on our house.

*BOOM* Stormy ramming the door
*BOOM* Stormy trying to break the door off it's hinges
overandoverandover until she busts her way through.

Her shoulders don't fit coming back in... this is a neverending story.

Kill me now - or just take the dog............please?

More unfortunate conversations with the OilyBeauHunk....

2009-02-10T22:30:00.006-05:00

So President Obama was in mah hood today. I watched the whole thing at work on my computer. My man took his little "hurricane TV" to work with him so he could watch in his Jeep at lunch. Did y'all see McDonald's boy? Good Lord.

So tonight, we were discussing the townhall meeting.

Man: I would have hit McDonald's boy square in the face and then raised my hand for a question.

me: OK, and then what?

Man: I would say, "Mr. President, what, exactly are you going to do with people like us whose home is worth less than half of their mortgage? "

me: He addressed that honey, he will be making a statement in the next two weeks about the mortgage crisis.

Man: Horseshit, I would raise my hand again and say "You are here in the foreclosure capital of the country to tell us what you are going to do, I want an answer now."

me: No, Honey, that is not exactly why he was here. He was here to talk about the stimulus package.

Man: What? Well then, that's when I would go batshit crazy -

me: (cutting him off) and that is when the Secret Service would escort you out swiftly and quietly.

Man: "Don't tase me bro!"

laughter..............

ps: Zane's big take on the day? "All those motorcycles were cool!"

.

Brain Fart - Yo!

2009-02-09T21:12:00.009-05:00

Hi All!
This is my 100 year old cat Mad Hettie.

She is demonstrating how I feel right now - and she's doing it well.....

Poor kitteh.....

.

Roller Heaven & Hell

2009-02-02T19:49:00.005-05:00

Throughout Junior High and part of High School, I lived at the Paramount Skating Rink. Roller skating was my life, my passion, my thing. Actually, I went because the skating rink was next door to the bowling alley, so our parents were able to do their league thing while us kids were safely next door skating our brains out. And also because I knew that eventually, Aaron would show up.

I had my very own pair of skates and they looked like this:

Except I had big pink pom poms with bells on them.

I can still remember waiting fervently for Aaron to show up at the rink. He was the skating God. I was in love. He was my first crush. He was handsome and (in my eyes)he could do everything. I would hone my skating skills until he got there and wait with bated breath for the "ladies choice slow skate". I would stalk him in the arcade and follow him to the concession area. Occasionally he would agree to the slow skate, but my unrequited love was always there. I would go home and cry and cry and cry, because "Mom, he just doesn't love me the way I love him." Teenage love and angst is a bitch.

Don Henley's song "Dirty Laundry" was a sure bet for the backward skate, and I was out there every time. I could do the crazy figure eight thing with my skates, both forward and backward. I was awesome.

Of course there were the skating games like the limbo, and the dice game and shooting the duck, (which I almost always won).

When the movie Boogie Nights came out, my little brother started calling me Roller Girl, even though I hadn't been skating in years.

So when Zane, the Great White Lizard Hunter, started begging me to go roller skating, I was all over it.

I told him how awesome I was, I bragged like a school girl - then we got to the rink Sunday afternoon, and I put on my pair of rented skates.

Roller skating is not like riding a bike, people. 25 years can do a lot to a person. I stood up, still confident, and promptly almost ate shit.

I got my bearings, and was able to make it around the rink. I even did the backward skate, but the fancy figure eights eluded me, and my arms did a lit of wind-milling!

Meanwhile, the little guy was doing circles around me in his roller blades. Show Off!

I think my favorite part of this experience were they guys. The guys my age and older, who apparently never stopped skating since the 80's. They were going around in circles, tightly packed together, skating their signature moves in line with one another, shoulders bouncing up and down. 40 something guys skating disco-like to Rihanna's Disturbia is just a little unnerving! They thought they were the shit though, and they were showing off for us Moms just like we were back in Junior High and patiently waiting for the slow skate so they could act all cool in the arcade while us girls scoped them out and begged for a partner.

Today, I am sore, but I am happy to have relived that experience, and look forward to going again. I even picked out a brand new pair of pretty white skates with pink wheels and laces. I might just get them. I'll forego the poms poms this time, though.

Do you guys have any fun skating rink memories?

25 things you really don't want or need to know...

2009-01-29T19:16:00.015-05:00

I keep getting these meme's on Facebook but would rather post it here. For obvious reasons. Yes Mistressmom, I am totally stealing your idea, and yes, my 25 things are not as sordid as yours, you horny little girl.....but my Mom reads this occasionally...

1. My son, Zane, named himself in a dream of mine when I was six months pregnant.

2. I have no memories before 6 years of age.

3. I once spent two weeks picking out a hair color before coloring my hair - I ended up coloring my hair the same color that my hair already was.

4. Dude, I say the word "dude", way too much, dude!

5. I found out the hard way that if you eat a whole bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos you will shit red and then freak out because you think your ass is bleeding until you finally remember - a day later- that you ate said bag of Flaming Hot Crunchy Cheetos, which are, in fact, red.

6. My mother wouldn't let me get my ears pierced until I started my period, so one night while she was distracted getting ready for a date, I picked a scab on my knee and blotted the blood with my underwear. I got my ears pierced the next day.

7. I didn't actually start my period until a year later on a water ride at Crown Point, Indiana. (Embarassing and messy.)

8. I met the man of my dreams in the middle of a hurricane.

9. I have been to over 500 concerts in my life. (some big, some small) I am a rock whore.

10. Both of my nipples are pierced, but they were done 7 years apart.

11. I once spent a week in the woods of Savannah, GA. at a Pagan gathering. There were a lot of naked people and a lot of hallucinogens.

12. One of my best friends is a witch.

13. I used to show horses and was the National Champion for 6 years, State Champion for 7 years, and went to the World Championships twice.

14. I shared a bottle of champagne with William Shatner (The Shat, Captain Kirk) with no glasses - that's right, we swapped spit.

15. My college roommate and I watched Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure at least 100 times. No Way! Dude! (there may or may not have been a green, leafy substance involved)

16. I am the Chief of the Dirty Foot Tribe.

17. I once worked for a Junket Rep and escorted High Rollers to casinos in the Bahamas.

18. I saw one of those High Rollers lose $425,000 in thirty minutes on blackjack.

19. I once played blackjack at the $5,000 minimum bet table. (they weren't my chips)

20. I fell off/out of an airplane after one of the Bahama trips. (It was a pretty long fall - yes alcohol was involved)

21. If I could live, survive, and thrive in Key West without becoming a miserable bum, I would - 'cuz that place is FUN!

22. One of the guys I work with, and his wife, are active swingers. He isn't afraid to tell us, and she isn't afraid to put her tittays in our faces. Company parties (and non company since we are friends)are awkward.

23. I injure myself in pretty awesome ways on a regular basis.

24. I still remember my first kiss behind the neighbors garage with the dirty little boy who lived there. I do not, however, remember his name. He kinda looked like that kid from Stand By Me.

25. The toilet paper hangs OVER *not under*.

I am a major slacker and here are a few reasons why I suck ..

2009-01-26T19:43:00.026-05:00

I have not been a very good blogger lately. I am so caught up in reading other people's shit, that I can't seem to write anything myself. That being said, I need to start carrying around a little notepad, because every single day something comes up that I can/should write about, but when I get home or get the chance, it all eludes me.

Then, of course, I could blog about the Zanester (GWLH) almost every day, but who wants to read that drivel day after day? (I'm sure you wouldn't mind, Mom) Although I must mention that his dinner request tonight was awesome: 1 pizza roll and 13 chicken fries.

Not to mention, a few months back, Holly, ran a "pay it forward" post/contest that I was one of the winners of, and I have yet to pay it forward. I really need to get my shit together.

If certain people weren't so damn entertaining, I could write something worthwhile. Not to mention I am also addicted to ~~stupid~~ awesome sites like Icanhazcheeseburger, failblog, passiveaggresivenotes, postsecret, cakewrecks, lovelylisting, dlisted, commonties, yousuckatcraigslist, whywomenhatemen, etc.

And then there is the following:

Sam just had a baby and her effing site crashed in the middle of everything.

Momofali's son just had surgery.

Mistressmom is going through some inner turmoil.

Of course there is FADKOG who is my hero.

And then, Bejewell who lost her beloved Simon and is at a loss for words, which brought me full circle to this

For some reason lately, I can't stop reading about other people's lives and still write about mine.

And finally, I tend to find myself much more clever when posting comments on someone else's blog than when I am writing my own post- so I guess I need to find my skin. (what the hell does that mean? GAH)

Bear/Bare(?) with me people, I know you are out there.....I will come back with something good. Please don't ditch me now!

What gives you writer's block? What makes your brain stop working, besides beer or illicit drugs? Who do you read that will inspire me or make me stop blogging altogether? I want to know....

A Sweet Little Interlude....

2009-01-19T19:28:00.005-05:00

**NOTE: For the sake of this post, the Great White Lizard Hunter will be referred to by his real name, simply because it just makes sense.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was playing a video game in our room. I walked into the room to get something and the next conversation took place verbatim, and came out of nowhere. The sweet little shit.

"Hello Mama"

"Hello Zane"

"Hello Mom Mom"

"Hello Zane Zane"

"Hello sweet Mama"

"Hello sweet Zane"

"Hello pretty Mama"

"Hello cute Zane"

"Hello beautiful Mama"

"Hello handsome Zane"

"I love you Mama"

"Awwwww, I love you too, Zane"

These kids, hellions one second, melting your heart the next.

Update - as FADKOG points out in her comment - was there an alterior motive to this little conversation? Amazingly enough, no, there wasn't, other than he would very much like some pizza rolls, please and thank you.

The "egg in my tummy" turns 7 today and he isn't any bigger

2009-01-14T10:26:00.007-05:00

"Am I bigger?"

This is what the Great White Lizard Hunter asked me this morning, before he even opened his eyes.

"Am I bigger, Mom?"

"Get up and let's see."

He stands up and looks at me.

"I'm bigger right?"

"Not really, honey."

"But I'm seven, right?"

"You sure are honey, Happy Birthday."

"Then why I'm not bigger?"

***********************************************

That conversation went a little easier than the one we had last night before bed.

"I was an egg in your tummy, right?"

"Sure, honey, sort of."

"But how did I get to be a baby?"

uncomfortable silence.....
cue crickets chirping in background.....
He's turning seven for chrissake, who wants to have this conversation already?

"How did I get to be a baby Mom?"

"Um, your Dad had an egg and I had an egg and the two eggs together made a baby."

"Like scrambled eggs?"

"Yup"

We'll leave it at that for now.
Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink

what a boy eats

2009-01-12T19:27:00.001-05:00

update - I cannot figure out why this post is spaced out so weird - sorry in advance - it is annoying the hell out of me....

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a very strange appetite. I am sure it is entirely my fault. While pregnant with him, I craved hot peanuts, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie & V8. Sometimes I would even have pumpkin pie & mashed potatoes on the same plate - for breakfast.

Anyweirdo - the little guy has some strange tastes as well.

Peanuts? Yes

Reeses Peanut Butter cups? You bet!

Peanut butter? Hell no

fritos? hell no

cheetos? no way

doritos? oh yes

doritos with tobasco? even better

butterscotch candy? oh yes

butterscotch pudding? no way

chicken in any form? of course

steak? nope

pork, if you cut it and tell him it's chicken? absolutely

shrimp? you bet

crab legs? begs for it = he can eat a pound of it

salmon? no

broccoli? YES! (he calls them trees)

carrots? YES!

corn? no way

corn on the cob? not anymore

corn bread muffin? absolutely

Ready for a shocker? The child, the 6 year old child, does.not.like.chocolate. He will eat m&m's and that is it - and only the mini ones at that!

This mutant son of mine also likes raw veggies; green peppers, red peppers, cucumber, raw onion, mushrooms, olives & even jalapenos!

Will he eat a salad? NO!!

Recently, I let him make his own dinner. I have a picture, but can't bring myself to post it. He ate popcorn, cheese, black olives & wheat thins. yummy!!! *eye roll*

Do you know how hard it is to feed this kid?

Good Lord you stubborn bastard...

2009-01-07T20:30:00.008-05:00

So we got hooked on this show last year called Breaking Bad. If you didn't see it, you really missed out. It's on AMC and the website keeps saying that season 2 will be out in 2009. Originally it was supposed to air this coming Sunday. Apparently it has been delayed. The Oilybeauhunk insists that the damn show is on A&E, but people, let me assure you that it is on AMC. I even showed him the website and he is still in denial.

So anyway, it is all we are looking forward to, and now we have to wait.

It stars Bryan Cranston from Malcolm in the Middle fame, and believe you me, this character is much different..... (preview from last season)

Notice the "AMC" on the video? Yeah, NOT A&E!!! Anywrongchannel, the Oilybeauhunk and I are at an impasse about when this ~~stupid~~ awesome show is going to start - and obviously - what channel it will be on when it does.

Have any of you ever seen it? Are any of you fans? It is a g-r-e-a-t show! If you leave a comment, please remember to remind the Oilybeauhunk that AMC & A&E are two entirely different channels. :) okai thks

Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers....

2009-01-04T15:07:00.017-05:00

Sorry, I have been very lax with the blogging lately because I was overwhelmed with the Holidays, and other bullshit in my life. However, I have been rejuvenated by my first "follower" and I already called bullshit on her bruise post. Sorry Carrie but thanks for signing up.

I am listing a few of my resolutions that I hope to stick to, but probably won't.....

1. I will drink less Coors Light
2. I will smoke less Marlboro Reds
3. I will work on my spare tire - (courtesy of Coors Light)
4. I will help my son enjoy reading as much as I do.
5. I will get my freaking "laid back dog" healthy again....at least make her stop eating her tail.
6. I will make the Oilybeauhunk dinners that he wants to eat.
7. I will wean the Great White Lizard Hunter off of pizza rolls and chicken fingers.
8. I will be more creative with my blog.

I hope everyone who stops by here is at the very least amused. Obviously not by this post because it is pretty fucking lame, but in the coming days, weeks and months I intend to make at least one person laugh.

So, to catch up, Stars Wars threw up in my living room Christmas morning:

How did you spend your New Years Eve? We lit off a shitload of fireworks and had a nice bonfire.

We took the girls to the beach...and went boating....

And finally, remember the best Gingerbread House ever? The Great White Lizard Hunter and his friend ate all the candy off of it, and we are going to blow up the rest of the house with fireworks and a BB Gun. I know, I know, it sounds redneckish but lord it will be fun. I will post pictures after the deed is done.

My asshole home laptop is not letting me open any other window, therefore I am unable to even read anything that I have missed in the last 3 days, please stand by while I kick and scream.........I will comment when I can. *hugs*

How were your Holidays?

He's a slow pooper.......

2008-12-22T19:14:00.007-05:00

The Great White Lizard Hunter has a love/hate relationship with poop. He loves to make poop jokes. Don't even get me started on farting..... He often steps in dog poop in the yard, and then gets to play with the hose to wash off said poop.

He doesn't like to actually go poop.

This kid will hold it for ever, and then he will be in the bathroom for upwards of 45 minutes.

The neighbor kids were over a couple of weeks ago and suddenly the GWLH disappeared into the bathroom. Thirty minutes later neighbor boy asks what is going on.

"He's pooping" I say.

"He's a slow pooper." neighbor boy says - then runs to the bathroom door and yells
"You're a slow pooper, GWLH!"

Laughter ensues and he eventually comes out.

Fast forward a week and we are on our way to the Miami Dolphins game with the neighbor kids parents. The GWLH is spending the weekend with his Grandma who was down visiting from Illinois.

We were joking about the "slow pooper" comment that their son made when my cell phone rang - it was Grandma.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, um, the GWLH has been in the bathroom for about half an hour, do I need to be worried?"

I almost dropped the phone from laughter -

"No, mom, he's just a slow pooper"

"Oh, OK, have fun at the game."

He knows Victoria's Secret

2008-12-18T18:03:00.003-05:00

While watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas last night, the Great White Lizard Hunter came out of his room to get a drink. He was walking briskly back to his room when he stopped dead in his tracks. He did a little double take and stood there smiling. We were watching the Victoria's Secret Special. The GWLH started again for his room then backed up again to stare at our TV in awe. Finally he came over to me and whispered in my ear.

"I can't hear you honey, say it again."

"What garble garble garble garble."

"Sweetie, speak up."

a breathless whisper....

"What channel is that on?"

"Channel 6, honey."

With that, he ran to his room grabbed his remote and shut his door.

"No" I shouted, "You may not shut your door or watch that in your room."

He resigned himself to coloring and coming out to peek now and then at the pretty girls with long legs and strange outfits.

At the end of the show when all of the models were lined up on stage he asked,

"Mom, OBH, is this real?"

"Yes, it's real."

The OBH says to him,

"Those girls are pretty aren't they?"

*blushing* "Yes"

"But not as pretty as Mom, right?"

*matter of factly* "No, they're more prettier."

Ain't Got Time For The Pain

2008-12-16T19:54:00.009-05:00

Dear Internet People,
I have like 30 drafts sitting here, but things are hectic now, and I can't bear to go and proofread one so I leave you with this: One of the best days I've had in awhile!!!!!!!! and, and.....it leads to the next one which I promise will be funny!

Coming next: "The Slow Pooper"
Believe it or not it ties in to this post, albeit in a slightly obscure way, but it is sure to make you chuckle.

What is wrong with these pictures?

2008-12-10T19:56:00.008-05:00

First:

Answer: Hershey is not making the ducks leave, thereby letting them shit their nasty slime all over my yard.

Second:

Answer: It is 80 degrees outside and we are hanging Christmas lights.

Third:

Answer: What is my son doing on the roof with a broom?

Fourth:

This is what happens when 6 year old boys help you decorate your gingerbread house.

Batman, The Incredible Hulk, dinosaurs, army men, spiders & bugs, drunk clowns.....

What do you people think??????? Any observations? Any comments?

I am a rock whore, The Great White Lizard Hunter rocks out

2008-12-06T10:24:00.012-05:00

I LOVE music.

LIVE
LOUD
IN MY FACE

I have been to at least 500 concerts in my life.

The first concert I ever went to was Leif Garrett (I know)

I have seen everything from Rick Springfield to Anthrax.

I have been on more tour buses than I care to mention.

I am a TOOL fanatic.

Maynard James Keenan is ~~God~~ a genius.
I once bared a nipple ring and offered up some starburst for Maynard's song list that was duct taped to the stage - and got it.

I have seen the likes of Huey Lewis and the News, Aerosmith, Guns & Roses, Metallica, Soundgarden, I Mother Earth, Marilyn Manson, GWAR, Staind, Kid Rock, Snoop Dogg, Lenny Kravitz, Queensryche, Disturbed, Foo Fighters, ..............oh my god, I could go on and on.

When I was 6 months pregnant with the Great White Lizard Hunter, I saw TOOL for the 5th time.

That little bugger came out of me with the rock horns blaring and hasn't stopped since.

He steals my IPod every chance he gets and is constantly asking for new songs to be downloaded. He scans the radio stations in the car for a song that is his "favorite".

He's been bugging me for months to go see a concert "like you did when I was in your tummy."

Not wanting to take a 6 year old to a huge stadium concert, we waited for the local radio station to put on one of their two big concerts they do each year. (X-Fest and X-Mas Ball).

I purchased the tickets and told the Great White Lizard Hunter that he would be going to the concert.

Good Lord, it was a daily countdown.

Friday night was the big night. Not wanting to be there for 8 hours like the rest of the ~~losers~~ 20 yr olds, we showed up just in time for the two headliners - Shinedown & Avenged Sevenfold.

The Great White Lizard Hunter was in awe. When the crowd went nuts and were swaying their arms in the air in unison, he was in disbelief. When the sappy love song started and all the lighters went up, he was beside himself. This child was a silent observer, but soaking everything up for the next time. He knew the songs, he was just learning how to react to live music. We didn't go deep into the crowd (as much as I wanted to ) We stayed on the outskirts and let him take it all in. It was quite impressive. He loved it. It made my heart proud.

I wasn't allowed to have a camera in the concert to take pictures of his every emotion, but this boy was in heaven.

I have created a monster.

And I can't wait to take him to the next big show.

Random Thoughts at Work 12-3-08, or other reasons why I absolutely love my job, but hate certain people

2008-12-03T18:28:00.010-05:00

* Why does "C" look like she's about to take flight every time she is telling a story? Those arms are flapping!

* Why does "C" constantly have to slam her hands down on the print table while she is talking and attempting to take flight?

* Perhaps slamming the table prevents the actual taking off process? Either way both are annoying as hell and I must walk away mid-sentence.

* Dear "C", if you print a document to the printer, or are making copies on said printer, and it stops mid-way, hitting the printer and swearing at it will not make it continue to print. Opening one of the drawers, however, and putting more paper in, will. Just so you know.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking (every 30 minutes). You are fucking weird. Nobody wants to talk to you. You think you are hot shit with that blue-tooth dont'cha? You talk like Mike Tyson, have you been sucking helium? Most of us in the office avoid going outside if we see you out there. Please stop checking in my window while walking in circles to see if I am watching you. When you are out there, I hide in the back.

* Dear annoying dude who constantly walks in circles in the courtyard outside my door while smoking - bending down and picking weeds out of the cracks of the pavers does not a "landscape architect" make. Please stop telling me that is what you are. I know better.

* Dear "K" who works in the office across the courtyard. I know it was a little cold today, but it is Wednesday, the day of the week that you always wear the inappropriate white "Marilyn Monroe" dress to your office. No hard feelings, you are built like a linebacker and we always laugh at you anyway.

* Dear caller, if you call for someone and I tell you they are not in and "no, I do not have their schedule", do not ask me if I know of a better time to call because my next answer will be "never."

* Dear other caller, who has called every day for the past two months for the same person and has left a message for that person every time. Get a clue, they haven't called you back. They aren't going to. Stop calling. I stopped writing down the message 3 weeks ago.

* I have got to do something with these shoes I'm wearing because they are making my feet stink.

* Dear "M", when I tell you "so & so" is on the phone for you, do not ask me what they want. I do not know. Don't ask me why they didn't call your cell phone. I do not know, but they are on the phone right now, waiting for you to pick up. Do not give me a blank stare - either answer the damn call or I'll take a message.
mmmmmmm-kay?

* Dear UPS dude - it has been a year and a half. Please stop hitting on me now. Yes, I am still with the Oilybeauhunk. No, I don't want to "make him mad."

PS: why do UPS dudes always smell like a combination of my grandmother's attic and my mother's basement?

Scary Mice with Shitty Pizza - part deux

2008-12-01T20:30:00.006-05:00

The Great White Lizard Hunter will be 7 in January. He has been compiling a "Santa Wish List" for the past several months now. Pretty much every time there is a commercial on Cartoon Network - he yells "Mom, come here, I want this, put it on my Santa list."
This list has gotten out of control.
Today, when I picked him up from school there were kids all around him, shouting out numbers and asking "What day is it?" "What day is it?"
One of the after school teachers informed me that the Great White Lizard Hunter was compiling his birthday list and that the children were all signing up to go to the GWLH birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Oh Hell No. I will not go back to that place any time soon.

Still confused, I checked his backpack when we got home. Inside there was an invitation to a classmate's birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. There was also a handwritten list (albeit hard to read) of the GWLH friend's names and phone numbers who were "signing up" for his big party at ~~the gates of hell~~ Chuck-E-Cheese.

So, when did 6 year old kids start planning their own birthday parties and where they were having them, without informing the parents? Am I missing out on something here?

Last year he went to the Zoo for his birthday - on Friday of this week he will be attending his first rock concert. 5 bands - all of whom play his "favorite song". In two weeks he will be going to Universal Studios for the first time. Why then, oh why, please tell me dear internet, would I subject myself to Chuck-E-Cheese with a bunch of children that I don't know - that HE planned all by himself without my knowledge?

What am I missing here?

Turkey Shmurkey, I don't know the rest of the story...

2008-11-28T12:52:00.016-05:00

I don't have a creative bone in my body today. My stomach is still full and I am tired. I did find this little note that I must have written last week, it was part of a conversation that I don't remember, but I wrote this much of it down - and keep in mind - I can't make this shit up, people, this really comes out of his mouth...

"That would be awesome, you bent over with your ass in the air and me watching the weather channel."

I have no idea............

Our Turkey Day was for the most part uneventful - the same old thing, too much food, too much booze. It was wonderful to reconnect with family for the first time in many many long months - Even.Though.We.Only.Live.40.Miles.Apart.At.The.Most. I love these people, we just never get together enough. And if you are reading this Mom, we missed you.

Anywho----

This is what I am thankful for this year.
She has been sick for 6 months. We finally got her healed and gave her a very much needed bath today. She will be ready for tomorrow.

This will be us tomorrow........don't be hatin'

That picture was taken by a helicopter before she got sick. The only difference tomorrow is that the Great White Lizard Hunter will be with us.

Say Hello to the Captain!

Hopefully there will be plenty of this:

And I will try not to let this happen again...........

See ya! Haters.

Of hairy boogers and good books

2008-11-24T19:33:00.003-05:00

So I am reading this book called "The Gone-Away World" by Nick Harkaway. It is pretty cool, but a difficult read. This sentence stumped me:

"Mr. Clisp, the gambler, teaches us not only mathematics but also materialistic ethics, setting logic puzzles on the board which appear to be value-neutral but which, when resolved, condemn the vituperative harridan in ringing tones."

I read it out loud to the Oilybeauhunk.

OBH - "I know what it means, but I'm not going to tell you."

Me - "Oh really?"

OBH - "Duh, vituperative means nose picking."

Me - "OK?"

OBH - "And harridan is hairy boogers - so duh (sticking finger in nose) vituperative - (flicking finger out) harridan. Picking hairy boogers."

Me - shrugs shoulders and walks away.

I'm dreaming of a White Trash Christmas

2008-11-18T19:49:00.022-05:00

**news flash**
**According to Jenny the Bloggess, 4 kittens were strangled because I wrote this post**
one must note that The Bloggess doesn't need traffic from me because she rocks (and I don't get any traffic, but the awesomeness is relevant (crap that's 5 kittens)

The little window in our door fell out and broke last week. It was no big deal as our weather has been awesome and the screen is still in place. Not to mention we were going to get a new window this weekend.
Well the temperature is expected to fall to 39 tonight.
As I was cooking dinner, the Oilybeauhunk was doing something "crafty", and by "crafty" I mean I am using too many "quotation marks" and he is doing something "redneckish" or "white trashy" if you will.

I turn to find a cut up Coors Light box duct taped into the slot of the missing window.

"Why don't you put tin foil up in the living room windows while you're at it, hon?"

"That would be awesome because it's sparkly" he says.

My "My Name is Earl" accent kicks in:

"Fer sure 'cuz it's just tinsel dat ain't been sliced up yet."

"We can hang empty beer cans up for bells and windchimes and use beer tabs for ornaments on the tree" he says.

"Awesome, dude, how about taking bottle caps and drilling little holes for the tree lights to fit through for more sparkle?" I say.

Even more awesome -

"We could cut cans in half for votive candles - that would make for nice ambiance."

"The levels we could take this are endless!!!!!!!"

Where's the dremel? Christmas will be cheap this year - And Sparkly!

Do you like my temporary window?

The awesome Mr. Beez

2008-11-16T12:37:00.009-05:00

For fourteen years you enriched my life.

For fourteen years you put up with my insanity.

For fourteen years you followed me everywhere.

You didn't like to be held, but you loved to have your ears & belly rubbed.

You were not a lap cat.

You were stoic and handsome.

You lived like a king.

You fetched balls like a dog and later tought Hershey how to do the same thing.

You came to greet me every day when I came home from work.

You loved raw hamburger.

You pissed off the dogs.

You were a shitty fighter.

You had a fat belly and were proud of it.

You liked to have your nuts rubbed. I was the only one who would do it.

You didn't meow. You said MEH, and you meant it.

You filled a void in my life.

You let Hettie smack you every morning at breakfast.

You and Hershey got your gay love on in what we called your fag & fight sessions - and they were awesome.

You S-T-U-N-K dude. You rolled in some stank ass shit and then came in the house to share said stank.

You were a master hunter. Remember the 63 voles and the skinned headless rabbit you brought me on that 2 month camping trip? Damn. How about the 4 dead squirrels you left me INMYHOUSE while I was away for the weekend?

You jumped out of said camper, twice, whilst going 55 mph on a highway at night and still made it back to me.

Why then, could you not miss the tires last night on your stroll across the street?

Bezl, I miss you.

My heart is broken.

I keep looking for you in your usual spots. Up at the ceiling on the kitchen cabinets. On your scratching post. In my bed.

For fourteen years you were my sidekick.

Even Hershey & Hettie - who hate each other - are sleeping together. THAT has never happened before.

You were the first cat begging for breakfast every morning.

You weren't here for breakfast this morning.

Dude. I miss you more than words can say.

Drunk Dialing - Infommercial Style

2008-11-11T18:23:00.005-05:00

What makes a person purchase something they don't need? I understand impulse buys in a store. I understand the impulse buy when grocery shopping whilst hungry. But this? This is just absurd.

Drunk e-mailing - done it.

Drunk myspace - done it.

Drunk commenting on blogs - guilty

Drunk dialing - totally did it.

Now I can add a new one to the list. Drunk Infommercial ordering.

Shit I am lame.

In the last two weeks I have recieved the following two items, God help me if anything else shows up.....

The UPS guys, the FedEx guys, the Culligan guys and the mail people don't come to my door because they are afraid of our dogs. My neighbor across the street always gets our packages. To my dismay, she called me 10 days ago laughing.

"I've got your SHAMWOW! package."

"Jesus Christ", I say

Fucking SHAMWOW! These things are C-R-A-P. What was I thinking? Not to mention that dude on the infommercial is annoying as all hell.

Last week she calls me again - really laughing this time.

"I've got your Aqua Globes."

"Oh, shit, I'll meet you outside."

People? - fucking Aqua Globes. These things are for watering your houseplants. NEWSFLASH!!! I do not have a single houseplant. Not one. Zero. Zilch.

What in the world possessed me to order these gawdy pieces of blown glass? Oh that's right, Coors Light.

I guess I know who's getting some lame-ass Christmas Gifts this year. Sorry family & friends, but the beer made me do it.

Apparently I am going to use the word Apparently a lot in this post.

2008-11-10T12:24:00.004-05:00

So, apparently there is some cartoon called Bakugon.
Apparently it is all the rage with young boys/kids.
Apparently my son is a huge fan.
Apparently I am not as good a mother as I thought, because I.had.no.idea.

At the bowling alley Saturday, the Great White Lizard Hunter finds what looks to me like a little black ball. He starts going ape shit yelling Bakugon! Bakugon!

I'm looking at him like he has three heads trying to figure out what he is saying. I ask the Oilybeauhunk if he has a clue. He just shrugs and shakes his head.

You would think the kid found the last golden ticket.

For the rest of the day it was Bakugon Stand! Bakugon Rumble! Bakugon! Bakugon!

Flash forward to Sunday morning. While reading the paper I see an ad for a Bakugon Rumble Arena or something to that effect. Well now my interest is picqued. The Oilybeauhunk and I decide, we are going to go out and get that kid some Bakugon ~~shit~~ toys.

Yeah. Apparently Bakugon is a *HOT* item this year.

Toys-r-us? Sold Out
Wal-Mart? Sold Out
K-Mart? Sold Out
Target? Sold Out
KB Toys? Sold Out

Holy hell.

When we got home from our failed mission I got online.
Apparently I am a glutton for punishment.
The Great White Lizard Hunter will be receiving the $150 Mack Daddy Deluxe Bakugon Starter Pack in the mail within 5-12 days.

Apparently, I am insane.

208 year old Farted Boogers - 6 year old style

2008-11-06T19:32:00.001-05:00

We had dinner at Outback recently. (One of our usual places.) The kids menu/coloring book had finally changed. It had one of those stories where you fill in the blanks with verbs, adverbs, exclamations etc. I totally had to keep this one to share, 'cuz damn. The Great White Lizard Hunter is a true American 6 year old. I will type the "story" as is, with his words in color. Enjoy.

It was a snowy day when Scrumper decided to look for games in the Outback. She ran over to her friends's house and on the way stepped in gum, which made her smell like dog poop. Scrumper got to Haiden's house and when the door opened, her friend yelled crap! "Let's go to the Great Barrier Reef," said Scrumper, "so I can wash off my brain." When they arrived at the Great Barrier Reef, they found two shoes that had washed up on shore. This find looked to be 208 years old! After looking at it further, they came to realize that what they found was in fact boogers left over from someone farting!

I had no idea that you could fart boogers!
All hail the 6 year old brain!

A Brand New Day

2008-11-05T10:34:00.005-05:00

At the Polling place, I started to feel electric. My hair was standing on end. When I was handed my ballot and moved toward my voter booth to make my choices, I started to cry. I felt so empowered and the importance of this was overwhelming. Since I didn't have any tissues in my purse, I had to do something that I am always yelling at the Great White Lizard Hunter NOT to do. I grabbed the neck of my shirt and wiped the snot from my nose. Classy.

Last night was amazing, and I still get goosebumps thinking about the ramifications of all of it. It is, indeed, a brand new day. I am excited.

Mallory totally ROCKS Halloween!

2008-10-31T14:26:00.001-04:00

Last night after trick-or-treating we went downtown to the Halloween Spooktacular. It was a block party full of freaks and geeks and the crowning moment of the event was the band on the main stage.

It was Juliette and the Licks. Hello? Juliette Lewis - Academy Award nominee?

Cape Fear?

Natural Born Killers?

This.Bitch.Kicks.Ass.

People will think you're a real Zombie - with tattoos on you.

2008-10-26T14:21:00.008-04:00

That is what the Great White Lizard hunter said to the Oilybeauhunk as we were getting ready for Zombicom '08. Yeah, Zombies don't normally act like they do at Zombicom, I mean, come on, beer drinking, cigarette smoking, dancing to DJ's and general debauchery isn't in the true Zombie tradition, but hey. Apparently, parts of the first, the original, Dawn of the Dead was filmed right here in our little downtown area, so someone thought it would be a good idea to celebrate that fact. Zombicon comes complete with a 2 hour crash course in "how to walk like a Zombie" and free makeup and hair for those who couldn't figure out how to look ~~ugly~~ dead. At midnight, there is a Zombie walk through the streets of downtown. Last year there were about 1,500 people. No word yet as to how many showed up last night, but damn, it was crowded, and it was fun. We let the dogs get in on the fun before we left.

The Oilybeauhunk got creative with his scissors and a blowtorch for our clothes.

There were many a freak there.......awesome!

The Great White Lizard Hunter kinda looks like a deer in the headlights here, but it's just because he was freaking out on the big spider guy.

Yes, that's a cymbal.

Creepy spider guy.

Oh my God - it's Shawn of the Dead - he's gonna take us all out!

It was fun, but we had to leave before the big Zombie walk, because the tree that was holding me up had to go pee, and there was nothing to help me stabilize since ~~draft beer~~ gravity had let me down.

Excellent Injury Thursday #2

2008-10-22T23:10:00.005-04:00

We were having a lovely day on the boat (sound familiar?) We stopped at Cayo Costa and I took some awesome pictures. These being some of my favorites:

I even got some of the locals:

Hello Mr. Manatee!

Hello little Sand Pipers!

After a couple hours of relaxing on the island, we packed up and headed into the Sound to do some fishing. Before you ask, yes, duh, we were drinking. We were out on the boat. That is what you do. The Oilybeauhunk and Great White Lizard Hunter were set with their poles and fishing away. Since they were situated, I got up to get my pole. I lost my footing a little bit and fell backwards into the middle of the boat. Where-the-poles-were-standing. Here is the lovely result......

Yeah, that's got three prongs in it. Two are stuck in my arm. The Oilybeauhunk did the only thing he could think of in a ~~drunken~~ panicked state of mind, he grabbed the pliers, I braced myself against the steering wheel, with my beer firmly pressed to my lips, and he yanked that fucker out. Yeah, not really, because you see, at the bottom of that awesome lure are THREE.MORE.HOOKS. When he yanked, those bottom three flipped around and hooked me in the back of the arm. All three of them. Sorry, no pictures of that because that is when I finally lost it. The poor Great White Lizard Hunter was now getting scared because we weren't laughing anymore. He started to cry, so I had to compose myself and convince him that I was alright. I grabbed another beer, slammed it, held on for dear life and told the OBH to GO! During this time he got in the right frame of mind and cut the frigging hooks off first - before the yanking began.

Can you see the rust by the way? Can you say Tetanus shot? When he got the last three out, he wanted to go straight in and go to the hospital. I wasn't done ~~fishing~~ drinking beer, so I said hell no. We moved on to another island and did some shelling, me with my ice-filled fish stained towel tied firmly around my arm. Good Times!

UPDATE: The Oilybeauhunk just realized what I was posting and said that I should be careful because eventually I will run out of injuries to post. I just smiled at him and he gave me 'that look' and said, "Kaila, don't you even dare start doing stupid shit on purpose.!"

I choked on my burp.

2008-10-19T22:34:00.003-04:00

The Great White Lizard Hunter told me he was choking. I looked at him....he had strange look on his face.........then he said:

"My burp was too big, it didn't fit in there."

Oh.My.God.

The Egg Timer

2008-10-14T12:58:00.007-04:00

Lately, the Great White Lizard Hunter's life is measured only in minutes.

If I tell him we have to leave - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him to get dressed - "How many minutes?"

If I tell him I am cooking dinner - "How many minutes?"

If he goes in the bathroom to take a shit - "Mom, watch the clock tell me how many minutes."

This is never ending. I am tired of the minute game. It doesn't matter how many minutes I tell him, he doesn't have a watch or a clock - not to mention - he doesn't know how to read one anyway!!!

How many more minutes 'til Friday?

How many more minutes 'til Spongebob?

How many minutes is 120 minutes?

Good God. The other day at the grocery store I spotted a cool, red, magnetic egg timer. A light bulb went on above my head. Problem solved.

It seems to be working. I set the timer, put it in his room and tell him how many minutes he has, and explain that when the buzzer goes off - time's up. This morning I didn't have to tell him to finish his breakfast 6 times, and I didn't have to tell him to get his friggin clothes on 12 times. We may be on to something here.

The only problem so far came last night when I was cooking dinner, and I misjudged by more than 10 minutes when it would be done. He had set his timer based on how long I told him until it was ready. Every time I turned around, there he was with a shit-eating grin and that damned timer in his hand. "Mom, the timer says it should be done."

All new Excellent Injury Thursday!

2008-10-08T22:10:00.004-04:00

I mentioned in one of my first posts about how awesomely I injure myself. Let me present to you exhibit "A" with a little back story of course.

It was always so sad to see the lesbian dogs' faces when we were getting the boat ready to take out. We never took them with us because......well.......they are unstable.

One weekend we decided to give it a shot. The girls jumped in the jeep with such enthusiasm it was heart warming.

When we got to the dock and launched the boat, the girls jumped right on from the dock. Maybe this was going to be a good thing!

Yeah, right. As soon as the boat started moving down the inlet, Skittish dog started to freak the fuck out. Before we knew it, she jumped over the side and disappeared.

Oilybeauhunk swung the boat around and tried to grab her. She went toward the seawall and disappeared again underneath a 40 foot boat that was docked there. She popped up again on the other side by the seawall that was covered in razor sharp oysters. One of the guys that worked at the marina saw the commotion and came and tried to help. As he was trying to grab her from the seawall OBH yelled at me to jump in after her. Now mind you, I can swim well enough to keep my head above water, but I am in no way a swimmer. When I got to Skittish dog, who kept disappearing under the water, she came at me and pushed me under. Not once, but twice. Now we were both in peril. What a mess. Finally she swam back toward our boat and OBH reached out with one arm and scooped her up. I was helped onto the docked boat by the marina guy.

Even though we were only 20 yards away from the launch ramp, I was ready to call it a day. OBH was having none of it. While all of this had been happening, the other dog, we'll call her Laid Back dog, was getting her sea legs, and digging walking around the deck of the boat, oblivious to the chaos around her.

We headed out toward the coastal islands, and spent a nice afternoon. Skittish dog finally relaxed enough so that it didn't look like her eyes were popping out of her head, but she never once stood up or left the bottom of the boat. Laid Back dog, however, was having a blast. We stopped near one of the beaches, threw anchor and jumped in. Laid Back dog, jumped right in after us and swam around with us. It was pretty cool. We'd put her back on the boat and she would run and jump off again and again. While she was having all this fun, Skittish dog sulked.

We decided to cut their first boating day a little short, and headed back to the marina. When we got there, the dogs were eyeing land like a sailor who has been at sea for a hundred days. We neared the dock and I stepped off the bow onto the dock. Sort of..................

I kinda missed. That picture is from three days later. I couldn't walk for two days. The bruising got much much worse after that. I had managed to separate the fatty tissue that resides between your skin and muscle, and push it up further on my thigh. "Kind of like a cheese grater" is how the orthopedic surgeon explained it. The point of impact, the yellowish area in the pic, is now a big indent and my skin rests directly on my muscle. It is still, two and a half years later, very sensitive.

There you have it, my first example of awesome injuries. There will be more. I am really good at it. Mind you, alcohol is pretty much always involved.

Smart Boy

2008-10-06T15:54:00.000-04:00

The GWLH saw that Dunkin Donuts commercial on TV this morning where the woman walks out of her house and grabs a few bills off of the "money tree" in her front yard.

He turned and looked at me and said "don't you wish you had a money tree, Mom?"

"You bet." I answered.

Then the smartest boy on earth said, "Yeah, then we could take the boat out fishing every day."

Overheard at work...

2008-10-02T20:08:00.003-04:00

The superintendents are having their weekly meeting with the Director of Construction. It is 4pm in the afternoon. This is what I hear.........

"You don't understand, my cable is out."

"So, they can fix it tomorrow."

"No, there is a very important debate on tonight that I cannot miss."

"But it is on late, like 9pm."

"Well, maybe you should go to California, it will be on at 6pm there."

"You should leave now."

"Wait, maybe you should just go to Europe, it will already be over."

WTF????????? I work with these people.

It was only a sticker

2008-09-30T19:20:00.004-04:00

Several years ago I had a bumper sticker on my little Toyota Tercel (hated that car). It was just a simple black background with white letters.

It got me into a little bit of trouble.

I was constantly harassed by cars full of pubescent boys and grown men alike.

I was hollered at by other drivers.

Often they laughed.

Once, while parked in a parking lot next to a nude beach on a private, and very snooty island, someone even left a note on my windshield.

Another time, I was pulled over by the police. They.called.for.backup. What could I have possibly done wrong, I wondered?

After going through the whole license and registration BS and scaring the living shit out of me - they all snickered. I had been pulled over so they could see who had the balls to sport said bumper sticker.

What did the bumper sticker say?

Support Cannibalism

Eat Me

I sold that little car years ago, and sadly was unable to find another bumper sticker like that one. I do however sport a very nice black & white "support ribbon" on my Jeep Wrangler.

It says:

Support Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll

A girls' gotta grow up a little some time, huh?

This conversation is going in the right direction, No?

2008-09-25T16:04:00.007-04:00

Typical afternoon conversation between myself and couple female co-workers. See if you can follow along.

* It started with J talking about her husband's inability to wear pants.

* Which segued into a discussion about whether or not we, as woman, see our significant others differently while suffering from PMS.

* Which segued into a discussion about anger...

* then angry sex...

* then drunk sex...

* then whiskey dick...

* to anal...

* and finally giardia.

The best part was when TP (of the male persuasion) waked in right in time for the segue from drunk sex to whiskey dick. He quickly settled in for the rest of the conversation - but said nothing.

Ask me about our conversations about threesomes. That show Swingtown has our heads spinning!

I'll have a bacon/hot pepper sandwich please.

2008-09-19T15:11:00.008-04:00

I have dealt with nothing but idiots today. Amazing Idiots. This one topped the cake....

I went to a sandwich place that rhymes with "tubday". I have to point out that I went through that automated drive-through with the too loud voice that repeats itself over and over. Here is what I ordered:

6" BLT

extra bacon

mayo

hot peppers

I drive up to the window, pay for my BLT, take my sandwich and head back to the office. I get my book, turn on the T.V. and prepare to eat my BLT. As I take the sandwich out of the bag, I realize it feels really light. It looks kinda funny too. I open the bread and what do you think I saw? Refer to my order above. In between the bread there was bacon, mayo and hot peppers. Where's the freaking L & T??? Luckily "tubday" is less than a mile from the office, so I get back in the hot car, drive back to the shop and plop that sandwich on the counter with my receipt. I say "I didn't get what I ordered." Stupid sandwich girl says, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"Yes, and I ordered a BLT."

again, "I can only put on the sandwich what is on the paper."

"It says '1 BLT' a BLT is bacon, lettuce & tomato, it is called a BLT because that is what is ON IT. It already implies that there is bacon, lettuce and tomato on the sandwich."

She looks at me with a blank stare - empty - STUPID - while she puts lettuce and tomato on the sandwich.

It was like a bad comedy skit

"Can I take your order?"

"Yes, I'll have a BLT."

"And what would like on your BLT, ma'am?"

"Call me crazy but I'm gonna have bacon, lettuce & tomato on that bacon, lettuce & tomato sandwich."

"Coming right up."

I mean come on!!!! Ignorance really must be bliss.

Mutherfucker

2008-09-18T16:07:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time I had satellite radio in my jeep.

I was addicted to the comedy station.

GWLH was 4 yrs old.

I picked him up from daycare.

I forgot to change the station.

I wasn't really paying attention.

He was babbling about his "busy" 4 year old day.

Did I mention I wasn't really paying attention?

Then I heard his sweet little voice say this:

"Motherfucker, that's a bad word."

I never forgot to change the station again.

Introducing the lesbian dogs

2008-09-16T20:20:00.006-04:00

Misty Blue & Stormy Heather - they are sooo gay.

That was the pre-makeout session.

Then they totally use tongue.

Tropical Storm Fay Sunset

2008-09-16T19:57:00.005-04:00

These are a little late, because I am lazy, but they are coooool!

Mmmmmm Brownies

2008-09-16T18:27:00.006-04:00

So I pick GWLH up from school last Friday. He has a brownie, given to him by one of the teachers. He shares it with me and we marvel at the goodness that is "the brownie".

"I want to make brownies, Mom, I loooove brownies!"

"Well, I just happen to know how to make them, we will do it this weekend."

We sure had fun making them together. Waiting the 45 minute cook time was almost unbearable.

When they were done, I gave him his piece of ooey goodness.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the room.... with the brownie.

"I don't like brownies, Mom."

Alrighty then.

The Great Green Bean Caper

2008-09-16T15:40:00.000-04:00

Place: Work
Time: Noon

The phone rings, I answer.....
"Ms. OBH?"
"Yes"
"This is GWLH's teacher - I have some really bad news."

**heart jumps into throat**

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"I just picked up the class from the cafeteria and it turns out that GWLH was shooting green beans through his straw across the table."

**heart goes back down**
**subdued laughter insues**
**snicker**

"I see"

"Can you talk to him please?"

now at this point I want to give him a high five and laugh with him, and tell him "that shooting stuff through straws can be fun - just.not.at.school.!

Instead I do the "right" thing. The teacher thanks me and we hang up.

When I pick up the little green bean shooter from school, he is quiet and a little shaken.

"Sorry Mom"

**Snicker**
"We'll talk when we get home"

OBH has been pre-informed and is ready for us when we get home with straws and plenty of pre-rolled spit balls. A good time was had by all.

Priceless

2008-09-09T11:11:00.003-04:00

Cable TV = $45 month

Sony personal CD player = $99

Sony PSP = $250 with games

GWLH telling me he is bored = Priceless

Open Letter to Hurricane Ike

2008-09-05T13:00:00.005-04:00

Dear Ike,
Please, please speak to your cousin Hurricane Charley before you visit my home. Charley was kind enough to send a 100 year old Oak tree crashing through my roof, and I was kind of hoping that you, dear Hurricane Ike, could pack a bigger punch and wreak a little more havoc on this God forsaken house. I know, I know, we got a new roof and a new kitchen out of the deal, but the thing is? - We Hate This House. Of course spare me, and GWLH and OBH and the stupid dogs and cats.
But the house? Yeah, we're done with it.

Thank you and see ya Tuesday - or maybe Wednesday.

Kaila

Chuck E Cheese is hell on earth

2008-09-01T19:45:00.002-04:00

For the love of God - this place is evil. SHOOT ME NOW. I tried to write a post, but I simply can't. Just fuckery is what that place is.

Oilybeauhunk

2008-09-01T12:47:00.004-04:00

loooooove him :)

Great White Lizard Hunter

2008-08-07T20:44:00.002-04:00

Meet the Great White Lizard Hunter, also known as my 6 year old son. He is always on the search for lizards. "Mom, can I go catch lizards?" "yes, go."

Unfortunate conversation with OBH - things I don't need to know

2008-07-17T18:50:00.001-04:00

"Sticky Balls"

OBH is bowling on the Wii. I am doing dishes. I notice out of the corner of my eye a quite flamboyant new technique which includes a leg kick.

OBH - "Hey honey, I've got it down pat now"

me: "what's that?"

OBH - "My new bowling throw, it works every time, watch."

(he bowls)

me - "Um, what happened to the leg kick?"

OBH - "Oh, that wasn't part of the technique, my balls were just sticking to my leg."

Unfortunate conversation with OBH - things I don't need to know

2008-06-11T20:40:00.009-04:00

Our bathroom window opens up to our front/back porch. (Can never decide what to call it) I am sitting on said porch and the bathroom window is open. Out of nowhere I hear, "Wow, that was fifteen seconds!" Oilybeauhunk is evidently in the bathroom.

"What was fifteen seconds?" I ask.

After a pause, this is the response I get,

"Bubba said he had a seven second fart, I just beat that."

"You were counting?"

"Yeah, one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand....."

"Oh, Okay.........Ummmmm.....Nice one.(?)"

You tell me - Where do you go with that?

Poophenge

2008-06-11T19:49:00.006-04:00

One of my dogs is as skittish as they come. Girlfriend is afraid of her own shadow. Evidently she is afraid of her own poop as well. When she has to take a shit, she assumes half of the position and then turns around to look at her butt, turning as the offending turds come out. This results in her own version of crop circles - or - "plop circles" - or - miniature poop stonehenges as seen in the most recent display. Did I mention, she prefers to display her art on the driveway instead of in the yard. It makes for better pictures. I pulled into the driveway the other day to find this. Unfortunately, I ran over the rest of the poophenge with my front tire, which left this last soldier standing....I will be more careful next time!

Bitch ain't right I tell ya! Here's another version... I took creative license with this one.

Example of my non-filtered brain

2008-06-04T18:53:00.003-04:00

So I went to Walgreens last weekend to purchase two specific things. I ended up grabbing some gummy bears as well because, duh, they were 2-for-1 and they were my favorite. There was a lovely old man in the store flirting up a cashier. I got my two items and was walking past the spritely old gent with my bag when he said with a big smile:

"Hey do you want to switch bags?"

to which I replied without hesitation,

"Only if you want some high blood pressure medication, some gummy bears and some lube!"

Let's just say we didn't switch bags

Why Shooting a bird?

2008-06-02T20:08:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my little world. "Shooting a bird" does not in any way reference actually shooting a bird. Let me explain where this comes from. My son, the cartoon freak, started kindergarten last fall. We live less than a mile away from the school, so our conversations on the ride home are usually short. I picked him up one day and casually asked him how his day was. He looked at me and gave me the finger with a big old smile on his face.

"This is bad, right?"

"Umm yeah, honey" (chuckle chuckle snort snort) "That is bad."

"I know", he said, "It's called shooting a bird."

And there you have it. I have never forgotten that day, and probably never will. He and the oilybeauhunk and our insane animals give me much comic fodder for my life. There will be many posts about my son, but this is in no way a mommy blog, as I tend to swear alot and my brain does not possess that filter thing that prevents stuff from coming out of my mouth before I evaluate what I am about to say. Also, there is an awful lot of farting and burping around here, not to mention I tend to be pretty accident prone - with excellent results. Hopefully it will make for some good reading! I don't mind sharing if you don't mind the insanity and vulgar language.

Kaila